Expectations

I realized how stressed I have been feeling with so many expectations over my head. and yes I am very aware of the fact that I placed them there.
5 years ago I came to Amsterdam for the first time to do a Discipleship Training School (DTS) with YWAM. I fell in love with the city but more than that I knew I would be calling it home one day too. A year later while working in a salon to save up money for Bible College I heard the Lord tell me to "pioneer a Tamar Center in Amsterdam" [ www.tamarcenter.org/ ] When I heard this I became excited, I knew that they were a ministry in Thailand that teaches ladies coming out of prostitution new careers, one of them being hair. I thought that was my calling, that's it. I am moving to Amsterdam very soon and will live there the rest of my life and teach all these girls how to do hair. Well, obviously I jumped the gun a wee bit early.
After my first semester of Bible College at Calvary Chapel Murrieta, I downloaded the application to volunteer with the Tamar Center. I figured I would go work with them a while then head off to Amsterdam. But God told me to not only finish Bible College but to finish well (something that was incredible to remember as my time in Bible College came to an end but thats a different story). So I continued with that and completed it in Spring 2010. In Fall of that year I volunteered at the Coffee House in Murrieta at the Bible College for a semester. Within a week of being there I was awoken very early one morning with the notion that God wanted to speak to me. I made some coffee and went out on my beautiful balcony that overlooked all of Temecula and prayed as the sun came up. God told me three things; go to Amsterdam, go in January and work with The Lighthouse. Also, two weeks later, during my devotions He told me out of the blue that Amsterdam would be my "starting place" that I would begin there but come back to America after a few years. I obeyed and as the semester came to an end I was ready to go.
January 28th 2011 I was on a plane back to Amsterdam after being away for 4 years. I decided to stay on a 3 month visa and come back to San Diego to work over the summer and be home for two of my best friends' weddings and see my nephew, Ethan come into the world. But those 3 months were life changing. I was appart of our 6 week seminar called Shine (the global sex trade and a Christian response) and it totally rocked my world. My eyes were opened to so many things, from the fact that we are not here to "rescue" the girls but to empower them, to prophetic words spoken/prayed over each of us. God clarified a few things with me that day, that God was definitely appart of my dream here and that He would provide people and funds to see this through, that this was in fact my starting place and I would be here a few years then go back to America to do other things, like teach, train, advocate, inform, lead, work with legislation, ect. But first to be focused here.
December 1st 2011 I was back on a plane with a one way ticket this time. I half expected to take things slow, half expected to see a huge thunder and lightning change right away. Naturally, since God loves to work organically, things have been slow right now. It's been 6 months since I have moved here. In those 6 months I have applied for a visa, moved 3 times, applied for insurance, opened a Dutch bank account, registered with the city, and staffed our second Shine. Although I have been extremely busy I had not put into consideration that moving takes so much time and money, especially when you move to another country where all your official paperwork is in Dutch and takes time and is done a completely different way than your used to and the currency is more expensive that your currency back home. So money given to you is automatically cut by 30%. I have had to trust God for EVERYTHING, literally everything. and it's not easy or fun most of the time. I have been ridiculously busy, been behind on many things and all this while also being a full time staff member for Shine, which means your busy ALL THE TIME. God has done some incredible things but I can't take any credit for anything. I am in awe of Him all the time. During this season of Shine I was prayed over again, and was told again some things God has  in store for me. Through that time I learned an extremely valuable lesson; when God tells you something don't try to interpret it. I thought things would be so different that they are now, but instead of being discouraged by it I have decided to "ride out the wave." To let God do as He pleases and not be discouraged when He doesn't do things the way I had anticipated. Yes I want to teach prostitutes how to do hair, yes I want to start some form of business or ministry here, yes I want to see it all happen by the end of the year. But all these things need to happen in God's timing, not mine, and done the way He wants, not the way I want to do them. So I am officially letting go. "A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." I will keep these plans of mine close to my heart but not expect things to come out the exact way I want. To let God have His beautiful, perfect, unfathomable way with my life. I will continue to be in Amsterdam until God calls me back to San Diego (which I feel will be in the not so far future) and just walk where He leads, no expectation as to how everything will go. I am excited to see what He does.