Real Talk

Oh goodness. You know for 5 years I prepared moving to Amsterdam. That was all my life lead up to. Then the Lord spoke to me that this was going to be a "starting place" for me and that He had other plans for me elsewhere. That sure took me for a turn. I had put so much emphasis on living my life here. Now that I am here things are not what I imagined either. I thought it was just recently, but as I read my journal from last year I realized I am experiencing the same things I did then. I was told about this "spiritual heaviness/stronghold" on the city but shrugged it off because I usually am not effected by such things. But as I started my life out here I knew I needed to research more on the matter.
Five years ago when I did my DTS here I was in pure heaven. This city was truly my tabernacle; the place I felt the closest to God. But now its the place I feel the most distant. I don't feel like myself, I feel like my spiritual gifts are on the back burner, I have no desire to draw closer to the Lord, or study the word, or pray, or any motivation to move forward in the things He has called me to do here. It is so completely insane. I knew it would be hard but I didn't expect this at all, really AT ALL. It's like I have to go against everything I feel and every emotion to just live obediently. Had it not been so clear to me that I was supposed to be here for the next season of my life I would have gone home. And thats real talk right there. But I am stubborn and will not give up, especially since I know God has promised me that great things will happen here. But I am emotionally and spiritually drained. Something has to change I am just not sure how.
Something that has also been heavy is when I walk outside my door I am surrounded by the most vulgar, crude pigs/men. It is exhausting. Its like all your eyes can see are these men craving and drooling over women and drugs and alcohol. It is so hard to remind yourself that there are good men out there in the world when all you see are the worst of them. It's becoming harder and hard for me to love them, but I am trying.
But today I was encouraged in an unexpected way. I was cutting hair for a family downstairs and their kids were watched Veggie Tales. The story of Esther was on and it nearly brought me to tears. It reminded me that God uses who we are to do great things. He uses our weaknesses to prove His strength. When the Lord truly shows up in this city it will be no doubt that all glory will go to Him and not me, because I am so incapable of doing such great work on my own.
That's not to say it isn't hard. I want to be honest about the emotional and spiritual setbacks I am going through, so you can keep me in prayer. Not only am I an almost 25 year old missionary living in the heart of one of the darkest cities but I am human, going through human worries, distractions, anxieties, crushes, heartbreaks, loneliness, but also some good things too. When I was a kid I would separate missionaries from normal humans, now I realize just how human I am once I am living on the mission field. I am not even close to being qualified to work here, but God is, and with Him on my side how can I go wrong? I really need to press through and persevere during this time in the wilderness. And to be honest, I realized today that I may never come out of the wilderness while I am here in Amsterdam but until I know my work here is done I will stay and I will choose to focus on the joy of the Lord.